The Numbers Company

Pros:
The decent thing about the numbers company is that you generally start with an average to decent salary. Benefits and packages usually are very appealing to the employee. If you do make heads way to climb up that ladder you will sure enough find that you will have less responsibilities, stress and a far greater salary.

Con:
Generally these The Numbers Company present a monotonous job… You can spend 20 years of your life doing the same thing without moving up the ladder. These big companies are also known for being ruthless… You are so far down the bottom of the barrel and all that really matters is the bottom line. The Numbers Company means exactly that, you are a number and the most important factor of these company are the quarterly number. If by the 3rd quarter profits don’t meet expectations expect that you will be replaced in a heartbeat; usually by a pink slip or coming into work finding out you’ve been locked out of your computer.

——————————————————————————————————————————————-

The Too Talented Company
Overview:
The Too Talented company is usually a media, production, gaming or advertising company filled with vast amounts of talented artists, designers, media professionals overflowing with creative ideas and influences. This team of unsurpassed talent basically runs the company. Without this important asset these companies would never exist.

Pros:
You work in an environment where you are challenged by your peers. You are surrounded by talent… and everyone learns and feeds off each other for the sake of the success of the project. Working in a Too Talented company is generally extremely rewarding for those who have studied in the arts field. Advancement in a Too Talented company usually results in the employee becoming a Team Leader or Director.

Cons:
With every up, there’s a down… The higher your creative  potential and ideas can fly, the harder you will fall, usually by an untalented manager or supervisor. Being so talented comes with a cost; that cost is an abundance of jealousy from the people with lack of any creative bone. They will generally tear your ideas apart or try to take credit for everything the too talented employee attempts to deliver. Pay scale ranges from down right pathetic to fairly decent depending on the generosity of your employer. In most cases, most employers will give you the bare minimum as they feel they cannot reward someone who is having fun in their own field.

——————————————————————————————————————————————-

The Slave Ship
Overview:
The Slave Ship companies are basically large factory like establishments or assembly lines where you perform the same routine occupation for minimum wage. There are no benefits and the wages are disgraceful. Employees are generally overworked and disrespected. These companies are usually found overseas but not unlikely to be also operating in developed countries run by the worst kinds of CEO’s.

Pros:
You’re working…

Cons:
There is not enough time or space on this page to list the amount of cons for being employed in an establishment like this.

——————————————————————————————————————————————-

The Mom and Pop Shop
Overview:
The Mom and Pop Shop are companies ran by small business owners with a more personal feel. In these companies the owners like to interact with their employees to make them feel as if they were part of the family. Generally Mom and Pop Shops need multifaceted employees to keep the company afloat. They cannot afford to pay their employees the top salary but they try to make it up with job time flexibility.

Pros:
Flexible time schedules are usually the main purpose of working in an establishment like this, you don’t need them but they usually need you.

Cons:
Salary and wages are not the best. Benefits don’t exist. Employees have to be aware that some Mom and Pop Shop are ran by manipulative owners… They want to maximize your time and talent for as little as possible… If you can avoid their interaction please do so, if they know you have a shy or submissive personality they will use that to manipulate your wage, your time and your respect for their advantage. Even though they may come off as being personal and personable the bottom line in any company is that a CEO will always be a CEO.

Tweet This Post

The king of the jungle…

We’ve done a survey studying that most office workers and employees have many similarities to the wildlife kingdom. More often than not many of us feel like a caged animal with no where to go, or a wild beast unleashing its terror and frustration on smaller, weaker animals.  We at SHITS.biz have compiled a list of animals and their comparative nature to demonstrate the true relationship between humans and species. To our surprise there is more in common than we really know.

You’re the Dog:
Not to belittle dogs in anyway shape or form, but dogs come in all shapes, sizes, intelligence and demeanor’s. Employees relating to dogs are people who go through their daily lives with simplicity, loyalty, willingness and eagerness to please. This is a worker in any field who chase their tails everyday and enjoying every moment of  it,  where they’ve found delight in their daily routine. They are here to please their manager or supervisor, they’re sometimes considered as manager pets or “ass licker” in more blunt terms. Like a master throwing a bone, they’ll chase down any request and report it back promptly and wait dearly, tongue waving; for their next command. As with all dogs, they have to be fed; workers have to be paid. If you want to avoid your pets turning against you remember a loyal dog needs a loyal master. Screw over a dog too much and they’ll start looking for a new master.

You’re the Parrot:
The parrot, highly intelligent, beautifully colored animals of flight. These birds have such personality anyone would love and they often express themselves freely without question. Is it any wonder why a caged parrot and any employee in the media and arts field would be related? Absolutely not… An artist such as a graphic designer, the marketing specialist, film maker etc..etc… is a prime example of the caged parrot. Eager to impress, eager to entertain only to be held back by a metal cage we refer to in the corporate world as the manager or producer. Parrots also live up to 100 years, this is in direct correlation to a true artists striving for his or her work to be timeless… If you are a worker, in need of self expression and creative freedom who is ready to take flight only to have their wings clipped by a producer’s budget or a manager’s unimaginative ego then you are definitely along the lines of these graceful and charismatic creatures.

You’re the Penguin:
So whats a penguin type personality in the work place you say??? Well first off I dunno about you but all penguins look alike wearing their trademark outfit, very similar to the managers and supervisors in a stale corporate environment. Have you ever noticed almost every company their similarities in style? It’s either a  black or dark blue suit and tie; they also have a similarity in their posture… both penguins and managers tend to walk as if there was a stiff object lodged in their rectum. To give them some credit they are very diligent in what they do… Their sole purpose is to please the person above them in the company. They have no actual real talent and they compensate by taking out their frustration on everyone below them or getting ahead at the expense of others. I mean lets face it penguins are birds that can’t fly.

You’re the Shark:
You’ve come this far up the corporate ladder… the money is so good it’s transformed you into a ruthless tyrant and hunter. You don’t give a damn about anything except your own personal satisfaction. Most CEO types are considered to be sharks… Actually I think even some sharks have more compassion than today’s CEO’s…  They’re smooth and always on alert for the smell of blood. Sharks attack human flesh and they don’t even enjoy the taste of it… Similarly a CEO will take everything away from a victim and they won’t even know the reason why… The only difference between a shark and CEO is that a shark hunts for their need to survive, a CEO will take because greed is their means of survival.

You’re the Ant:
The rarest breed of corporate species…the ant. If you ever find a corporation with workers and leaders of the ant colony please let us at SHITS.biz know… The ant is headed by the queen ant, who can manage literally millions of workers without flaw. This corporations goal is to succeed and with it the ant colony will be successful. Their leader or queen ant is held with the utmost respect and in return she will take her millions of workers to the promised land. SHITS.biz has never heard of any president or manager with the ability to manage and micromanage their employees to such a degree. 99.9% of managers,  presidents of corporations can’t even handle a team of 10 employees without blunder. The queen ant puts her ego aside for the good of the common goal… how many presidents and managers can you say have the ability to do likewise…. didn’t think so…

Tweet This Post

Bernie Madoff Mug Shot

MADOFF MADE-OFF WITH 65 BILLION…

When someone screws you out of 20 bucks he’s an asshole… What do you call someone who screws investors for a total off $65 000 000 000… Yup thats right BILLION, not million. Bernie MADE-OFF with that amount from thousands of investors entrustig him with their investment in a Ponzi scheme which has been dubbed the largest investment fraud to be ever commited by a single person. His sons turned to authorites after their dad admited to them that the scheme was “One Big Lie”.  He was sentenced to 150 years in prison on June 29, 2009.

List of charges include:
Securities fraud, investment advisor fraud, mail fraud, wire fraud, money laundering, false statements, perjury, making false filings with the SEC, theft from an employee benefit plan

We here at SHITS.biz believe he deserves every year that he received for his crime. A new breed of criminal where stealing for survival is not the case. Stealing for the sake of stealing, shameless and unforgiving these criminals have the perfect profile of a psychopath. Well SHITS.biz would like to say that there is not a big enough asshole in this world to describe Bernie Madoff. Perhaps during his 150 year sentence surrounded by inmates he will finally have the have the chance to live up to that name.

Tweet This Post

Click Image to BUY NOW!

THE SHITS.biz BUSINESS THONG ATTIRE…

We really mean it when we say “Smell the Success on Your Fingertips”. Come into every meeting ready and willing to tackle any tough meeting with confidence wearing the S.H.I.T.S strategically fitted thong. For both men and women alike; we at SHITS.biz are dedicated to making your office experience the best it can be. Why waste 200$ on a thong when all you really need is a thong that will get you through the day. Lets face it you’re at the office not a club, wear whats appropriate for every business scenario and raise your production level to new heights, only with the SHITS.biz Two Thumbs Up Fitted Thong. BUY YOURS TODAY!

Tweet This Post

1) It’s all in the eyebrows
Mentally dozing off is a comon things in long meetings, it happens to the best of us. Make sure your eyebrows reflect interest by moving them up and down, responding at a critical random rhythm when someone else has the floor even if you have no idea what they are talking about.

2) Recovering from the hotseat
If you are caught or put on the spot and asked for your input, turn it around and evade your group by questioning them with the simple phrase: “Are you sure that’s the best possible solution?” .

3) Keep your hands busy
Have as much paper materials as possible in your hands (e.g. multiple copies of the meeting agenda printed) and go through them page by page, back and forth, with the hard look of interest on your face.

4) Tight lips and moving head
Nothing gives away your drowsiness more than an open mouth or a relaxed pair of lips. So keep those lips scrunched and tight with the combination of a random pattern of head movements.

5) The productus interreuptus
Any moment that you are miraculously attentive to the discussion, take in what you can. Politely interrupt the speaker to repeat the last sentence while marking down exactly what has been said. This will save you for a few rounds and also invoke the fear into the speaker that you have quoted him or her on something you probably found more important then he or she thought.

6) Saved by the anecdote
If you have to take the lead and have been spaced out too long to recover any keywords from the meeting, take it aside to congure up one of your juicy anecdotes. The trick here is to deliver your anecdote with assertiveness and intrigue, doesn’t matter if your story has nothign to do with the meeting. After you finish make sure you sit down in the motion of your last phrase. People will be so confused and with the help our insecure social values, they will be scared to look stupid to not have seen the connection to your anecdote. If a smartass does question your story, just use the magical line: “Think about it….”, this can be followed by a wink or a pointing finger action.

7) When all else fails…
If you are really being pushed to give your input and have run out of ideas, storm out of the meeting with conviction and irritation: “I don’t think we’re moving ahead this way”.

8 ) Recappuccino
Even though you have escaped another meeting clean and clear, you need to catch up on your homework. What better way then to invite the quiet hard co-worker who has no friends in the company for a quick coffee to go over the details and most importantly his valueable meeting minutes.

9) Dive into your paperworld
If you find your eyes straining by trying to keep up the eye contact ratio, focus on your papers and de-focus your eyes to give them a bit of a rest. If you are an experienced practcian of this method, you can attempt the One Eye Sleeper.

10) The One Eyed Sleeper
While using your elbow and hand to support both your forehead and hiding one of your eyes, you can put that hidden eye to sleep for a while as it is camouflaged by your overall look of inquisition.

Tweet This Post

CEO B.S. - Brett Stevens

Tweet This Post